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Three Little Words that Make a Relationship

November 18, 2008 By Leave a Comment

You're probably thinking that these words are 'I love you' but whilst these words are essential to a lasting relationship, they are not the most essential ones that keep that relationship together.  So, what words could possible be more important?

1. Communication

The most important ingredient in any relationship is communication.  Most relationships break-up because of a breakdown in communication.  It's easy to think that people know what you mean when you say or do something, but that's often far from the reality.  You may think that because you always open a door for your partner, or never go out without them, that they know you love them.  Have you told them that you love them, or do you just assume that they can translate opening doors and staying home as 'I love you'?

If you're not happy with something that your partner has done, do you discuss it with them, or do you just assume that by banging doors and ignoring them that they will understand not only that they've done something to upset you, but also that they will know exactly why it is you're upset with them?

Much of what is said, or done, can be misinterpreted by someone else.  What seems clear to you, because you're focusing on the issue, might not be clear for someone who isn't even thinking about it.  Not understanding this means that the situation goes from bad to worse because one person thinks their feelings are not being respected, and the other person has no idea what they've done but is probably aware that they've done something!

Clear communication every time is difficult, but if you want your relationship to last, then you need to make an effort to ensure that your partner is always aware of how you feel about a situation.  If your relationship is important to you, then you always need to clarify that your partner knows exactly how you feel.  Don't accept something so that you don't hurt their feelings - like eating something you hate for example, just to please them - it's better you tell them the truth or you'll be living with that (and eating it) from now until eternity!  If you disagree about something, it doesn't have to be an argument - discuss your opinions and respect each others' right to hold a differing opinion.  If you aren't happy with something, discuss it, don't let it fester until it becomes a serious issue.  And if you love your partner - tell them - don't just assume that they know.

2. Honesty/Trust

Any relationship that's a little lacking in the honesty department is going to be under a strain.  Your partner needs to trust that whatever you tell them, it's the truth.  Whilst you don't want to walk into landmine questions such as the honest response to 'do I look fat in this?' type questions, you can field them with saying that they look much more sexy in another outfit (identify one or they'll know you're sinking!).

Trust issues create cracks in many relationships and so if your partner knows that you are honest with them, then any insecurity in the relationship should disappear.  This means that anyone trying to cause mischief in the relationship by suggesting that something is happening between your partner and someone else is going to be dismissed for the trouble-making that it is, and therefore ignored.

At the start of your relationship, make an honesty pact that if either of you is having a problem with the other, and it's serious enough to have you consider breaking the relationship, then you'll discuss it and see if it can be fixed before you do anything else.  Make sure that you are both confident in each other - don't forget, if you're not being completely honest, why should you think that your partner is honest with you?  If you maintain the integrity of your relationship it stands a much better chance of surviving.

3. Respect

Although respect is something that you are taught to do with your elders, it's something that ought to come naturally to you when you are dealing with your partner.   Any relationship where one partner disrespects the other is doomed for failure.

Respect doesn't just mean listening without interrupting when someone is speaking - although that should still hold true.  In a relationship, respect means that you don't always get what you want.  Sometimes you have to respect your partner's wishes.  As a couple, you need to respect that each other has to be considered in every major decision you make, before you make it.

Although it respect in a relationship should cover things like not having the television too loud when your partner is trying to sleep or has a headache, it really means that you are always considerate to how they will feel about something.  You don't argue publicly with them, or do something to embarrass them.  You never speak out against them or allow someone else to do so without saying something in their defense.  Respect in a relationship is about being considerate to your partner's feelings and opinions, and wanting them to be seen in the most positive light.

Although there are many other qualities that a perfect relationship needs, love being one of the most important of these, it is these three that are the glue which will hold any relationship together through any crisis that occurs.  Build your relationship on honesty, mutual respect and good communication, and you are building it on a firm foundation that should prove unshakable.

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How to Say ‘I Love You’ without Words

November 18, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Saying 'I love you' to your partner can mean a lot but doesn't really convey very much.  What you need to consider is that 'love' is a verb - a 'doing' word.  So instead of telling the love of your life that you love them, why not show them by your actions!

What is it that your partner craves most?  Is it 10 minutes peace and quiet in the morning to scan the newspaper whilst they drink their coffee?  Think about how you could arrange that for them.  Not every morning, that would start to become a routine.  Rearranging the usual schedule once in a while so that you take a cup of coffee and the newspaper to them in bed as they wake up, and let them enjoy it whilst you take care of the normal morning routine however, is a great way of starting the day with a silent 'I love you'.

Would your partner love to have a bubble bath before bed, but is usually so tired by the time she's finished with the chores that she just jumps into the shower before collapsing into bed?  While she's busy with other things, run that bubble bath for her.  Light a few candles if you have them.  Fluff up a couple of towels; leave a magazine and something to drink near the tub.  Once you're prepared, go and collect her, and leave her to enjoy the soak whilst you finish up whichever chore she was busy with.

Does your partner have a favorite hobby?  When you're doing the grocery shopping add a magazine associated with this to your shopping cart and leave it on their chair to see when they come home.   On a similar theme, if your partner has mentioned wanting to join an association or organization for their hobby but hasn't managed to find the money to do so, put a little money aside each week until you have enough and then send off the application form.  Imagine the surprise when the membership pack arrives!

Is there something that your partner hates to do - for example, washing the car, vacuuming the floor, bathing the dog, etc?  Next time it's time for it to be done, wait until they're out of the way and then do it - no questions, no discussion, no warning - it's just done!

Often the smallest gestures can mean a lot.  For example, running your finger softly down the cheek of your loved one as you pass, or placing your hand on theirs as you sit in a restaurant.  Think about your body language with your partner.  Do you keep out of each other's space outside of intimate moments, or are you obviously a couple wherever you go together?  Whilst public shows of affection aren't for everyone - couples and observers alike - taking your partner's hand whilst you walk through the mall, or opening your partners car door for her and treating her as if she's someone special, shows your partner that you're proud to be with them.  That's another unspoken 'I love you'.

Whilst big gestures such as 'I love you' banners flown from aircraft, weekends at luxury spas or mini-breaks to a different city are very nice, nothing says I love you more than doing something that has added extra work to your day to create a treat for your partner.  Not only do they appreciate that you did this for them, but they also know that you love them enough understand what it is that will make them happy.  That's love, the verb, at work!

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How to Help Your Children’s Mom Find Time for Herself – and You!

November 18, 2008 By Leave a Comment

One of the negative aspects that having children has on any relationship is that the woman is usually swept up in the mother role.  Despite what some men believe, this isn't necessarily by choice.  Babies have a way of making themselves the center of their home's universe and insisting on being the main priority in it.  New Moms especially find this a difficult concept to move away from and so get caught up in the baby zone where they concentrate all of their attention on this new life and whilst they don't forget their partner, they assume that he's ok with being neglected because she's taking care of their child.

No matter how much a Mom loves her children, it doesn't change the fact that it's exhausting to be on call 24/7.  No wonder that she barely has time to take a quick shower never mind make an effort to look sexy for her partner.  On top of this, many mothers return to work so that in addition to caring for their children, and home, they're also taking the pressure, stress - and not to mention guilt - of a job.

This is where Dads need to step it up a notch!  Even Dads who are working full-time can do something to create a space so that their partner gets a chance to breathe.  Don't ask your partner what you can do to help.  This isn't going to get a positive response.  Instead watch what your wife does in an evening.  Make a mental note of the chores that she does, the things she does for the children, the preparation she makes for the next day - and in particular, make a note of the things that she's doing that are perfectly within your capability.

Consider which things take the time and how those things could be balanced so that two people doing the same things currently being done by one will only take half as long.  When you're sure you've got a good action plan, sit your wife down and present this to her.  Tell her that you're not happy that she's always on the go and there's never enough time for you to be a couple. Tell her you miss her, but be careful not to make it sound like an accusation or you'll just heap more guilt on her.  Explain how worried you are that the only time you have together is when she finally collapses on the sofa to watch a television program before bed and even then she usually falls asleep before it ends.  Then show her how you can help and convince her that you are perfectly capable of doing the things you're volunteering for or you wouldn't be suggesting it.  If she's unsure and afraid of her current schedule being messed up, suggest that you have a trial period and see how it works.

It mightn't be easy to muscle in on what - until this point - has been her territory.  Sometimes it's a control issue, sometimes it's a fear of being thought of as a failure, and sometimes it's because they simply don't know how to let go - but you will need to be sensitive how you approach the issue because many women will initially think that a partner offering assistance means they aren't doing their job well enough.  The opposite is usually the case however, they are doing it so well that they've forgotten the other things that they used to enjoy - and that's what you need to emphasize if resistance occurs or your intentions are misinterpreted.  Admit that you probably can't do things as well as she does them - or in the same way, but by sharing out what needs to be done, your relationship has something to gain (but be careful not in imply any criticism here either or you're sunk!).

By taking some of nightly burden from her, you are giving her time for herself again - and that also means she's going to be able to find time for you!  It won't happen overnight, but slowly as she becomes more confident in your ability to take over some of the chores she used to think of as 'hers', she'll start to loosen up and be able to spend more quality time with you - that way, you both win.

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Coping with a Mixed Culture Relationship

November 18, 2008 By 1 Comment

As the world continues to shrink, and people become increasingly accustomed to moving country as one time they moved town, there is an increasing trend for mixed culture relationships.  At one time, such relationships met with society's disapproval, but nowadays it's commonplace to see couples of obvious mixed backgrounds walking hand-in-hand in the shopping mall.  If you find yourself involved with someone from a different cultural background to your own, there are ways of merging the two cultures so that rather than having two separate ones, you create a special mixed one that you can both happily live with.

Mixed culture could mean different ethnicity, different religions, different languages, or even different social status.  It could even mean a combination of some or most of these!  In order to merge the two, you both need to first have a good base of respect for your partner's culture.  You need to learn what is important to that culture in order to see where the blending areas are.  In the case of religion, this may not be possible - but if you love and respect your partner, it's not necessary for you to convert to their religion, only that you both mutually respect the other's right to your own belief system.

Things can fall apart when it comes to your respective families however.  They didn't fall in love with your partner - this foreign person (even if they are from the same town and have lived their all their lives - if they are different, then to some families, they will be foreign!) has come into their lives and upset the plans they had for a traditional type of in-law relationship, and they aren't usually quiet about their displeasure and disappointment.  Any mixed culture couple will anticipate trouble from this part of their life and will present a united front against both families.  Sometimes it can mean that you need to reinforce your opinion that you love this person and they are 'the one' for you, and you aren't going to apologize for it, and sometimes it can just mean keeping a low profile until the family finds something else to complain about.  You know your families best, as long as you both stand strong with the love you have for each other, you are taking care of what's important - your relationship.

When you realize that the mixed culture relationship is serious, you should both take an interest in each other's culture.  What traditions are there?  Which of these do you like?  What about special days such as religious days or festivals?  Make a list of the ones that are important to you as individuals and combine the list so that as a couple you have a combined list.  You may not celebrate the same religious days, or you celebrate at the same time but for different reasons, for example - but that doesn't mean that you can't both enjoy the time together.

Once you have children, this combined mix will help them grow in an environment that's enriched from both cultures.  They will learn the heritage supplied from both parents.  Children brought up in mixed culture homes grow up accepting that both cultures are good.  If there are two languages in the house, somehow they work it out and are bi-lingual at a very young age.  Religion is a little more complicated, and that's an issue that you and your partner should discuss before you get to the baby stage as if one, or both, of you has strong views on this and can't or won't compromise then it could destroy your relationship.  This is probably the biggest threat to your relationship - remember both families are going to be also having strong opinions about the issue - and you need to ensure that it's sorted well in advance of any babies coming in your lives.

A mixed culture relationship is one where you have two people from two very different backgrounds combining their lives to create a third.  Respect for each other's culture as well as each other will ensure that even a relationship between people who have very different traditions will succeed.

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Why Women Cheat

November 18, 2008 By 1 Comment

Years ago a woman cheating on her spouse was unheard of but in modern times the number of women who cheat on their spouse is growing exponentially.  The differences in men and women cheating is that men often cheat for physical reasons while women often have emotional reasons for cheating on their partner.  The reasons why women cheat include loneliness, revenge, boredom and self esteem.  These factors may be inexcusable but they do exist in the minds of a cheating woman.  More and more women are becoming guilty of cheating on their partners and it is often emotional reasons rather than lust that drive them to these affairs.

Loneliness is one of the primary reasons that women seek out affairs and cheat on their partner.  Although it sounds contradictory that they should feel lonely because the women are currently in a relationship, it is often a relationship that is not emotionally fulfilling.  Women involved in these unsatisfactory relationships may feel as lonely if not more so than women who are not in a relationship.  If a woman is not receiving the attention she feels she deserves in a relationship, she may be tempted to seek that attention elsewhere and become involved in an affair.  A partner who becomes overly involved with his work or a hobby may not make time to spend with his partner and this often results in the women feeling as if they are all alone.  This feeling of loneliness can drive a woman to cheat on her partner.  One of the most prevalent reasons why women cheat is that they feel as though their current partner is not lavishing much attention on them and they feel lonely even in his presence.

Revenge has also become and increasing factor in why women cheat.  The modern woman is no longer willing to sit back and accept the fact that their partner may cheat on them.  If a woman confirms or even just holds a suspicion that their partner is cheating on them, they may be driven to engage in an affair of their own as an act of revenge.  The theory of, 'An eye for an eye,' has unfortunately trickled down into the realm of romantic relationships and many women see a cheating partner as a justification to have an affair of their own.  They believe that they are justified in having an affair if they catch their partner cheating on them.  Furthermore they may be extremely hurt by their partner's actions and seek a way to hurt them in the same way.  While it is not a justifiable reason, many women see revenge as an appropriate reason for cheating on their spouse.

Boredom may also factor into why women cheat.  Their current relationship may have fallen into a rut and lost the excitement that it possessed in the early stages of its existence.  They may feel that their relationship has become dull and predictable and rather than trying to bring excitement into their current relationship they may pursue affairs in the hopes of achieving the excitement they felt when they first became involved with their partner.  While an affair may bring about a temporary solution of making the woman feel excited about love again it may ultimately destroy both their current relationship as well as their cheating relationship.  An affair is exciting not only because it involves a relationship with a new person but also because it involves sneaking around and ultimately getting away with doing something wrong.  To many women this is very exciting and they are willing to risk losing their relationship over their affair.  Many women cheat because they are bored with the monotony of their current relationship and they seek to bring excitement back into their life through engaging in an affair.

Another reason why women cheat is a lack of self esteem.  Women may feel that they are not getting an adequate amount of admiration from their partner and they may be tempted to cheat to affirm that they are still attractive and desirable.  When a relationship meets a stagnant point where the partners are no longer making a conscious effort to reassure each other that they are still desirable, many women begin to feel insecure.  This insecurity leads women to seek affirmation of their desirability outside of the relationship in the form of an affair.  Being found desirable by another compensates for the lack of longing they feel from their partner and helps to boost their self esteem.  While women with a healthy self esteem are more apt to remain happy in a relationship, those that lack self esteem are often driven to cheat on their partners.

Men are not the only ones who cheat on their partners.  It is becoming more and more common for women to be guilty of cheating.  While women are beginning to cheat as often as men the reasons why women cheat are much different than the reasons why men cheat.  The reasons for women cheating are tied tightly to emotional reasons such as loneliness, revenge and boredom.

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