Knowing When to Say Goodbye to your Relationship

Calling an end to a relationship isn't easy.  It doesn't matter if you've been together for a few weeks, or many years, you have history with this other person, you have had an emotional connection and have allowed them to get intimately close to you.  This person is someone who at one time you loved with all your heart, and would have trusted with your life.  If you are considering that it's time to walk away from this person, then you're probably right - but before you do, consider the following:

Have you told your partner how you feel about your relationship?  Are they intentionally doing something that you really hate enough to say 'that is it, I am out of here'?  Is it possible that they're unaware of how you feel?  Before you say no, think about it.  Have you actually said to them, I hate it when you do this because it makes me unloved/disrespected/ignored/whatever?  Women in particular are prone to believe that just because they've stomped, sighed and slammed everything in sight for the past few months, that their partners know exactly what the problem is.  Not so!  Many men are completely blindsided when their partners leave them, and when they find out why don't understand why their partner never discussed it with them at a time when it could have been sorted!  Unless they are exceptionally perceptive, or clairvoyant, if you haven't actually sat your partner down and told him why you're mad, he's probably completely oblivious to it.

Are you sure that there's no possibility for compromise?  Sometimes in a relationship both partners get caught up in a power struggle.  It could be over who controls the finances, or who makes the decisions and why, or it could be simply who holds the television remote - chances are if it's the remote control issue that's got you packing your bags, you need to sit down and think about what's really going wrong in your relationship!  Power struggles are most likely to happen in the early stages of a serious relationship these days when both parties are trying to assert their independence and are keen not to be seen as the weaker partner.  Equally, women who have been in a relationship for 20+ years may suddenly find that they are in a power struggle because early in their relationship they accepted the socially accepted role of the male dominant, but society has moved on from there and now these women are finding a voice - a voice that's not familiar or perhaps welcomed by their partner.  In these situations, a compromise can often be reached and the services of relationship guidance professional should be able to get you to see if this is possible for your relationship.  If you still love your partner, you just can't live with the constant battle for power, then this is certainly a relationship that could be saved if you're committed enough to accept a compromise solution.

Are there children involved?  If so, what's best for them?  If you are in a relationship that's abusive in any way for you and/or the children then you should walk without a backward glance.  Yes, children are usually thought to be better with two parents, but not many people believe they thrive in an abusive environment.  Similarly, if you and your partner are constantly fighting, then at least a separation should be considered until you can sort out if you can save your relationship.  A negative home atmosphere isn't healthy for children who begin to act out because of security issues - just be sure to keep enforcing the point that this isn't their fault.

Calling a day on a relationship is one of the hardest things to do.  Leaving a partner you love or loved, perhaps a home you've lived in for some time, and having to start over isn't something that most people do without much thought.  However, fear of that fresh start isn't a reason to stay in a relationship that's making you miserable.  Carefully consider what the real problem is in the relationship.  Talk it over with your partner.  If you don't get the answers that you're looking for, and they aren't interested enough in saving their relationship with you to seek help from a professional counselor, then that's when you know it's time to say 'Goodbye' and move on.


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Comments

  1. seek & destroy says:

    my wife always thinking that i’m cheating on her.She never believes whatever i say. Its just because of my work.We have so many customer. its a part of my work having many girl customers around. She don’t understand me. But i have patience because i love her but sometimes i can’t stand it so were fighting about it. sorry for my bad english.

  2. mekia says:

    if your wife thinks you’re cheating it’s because you have in the past. Whether you’re cheating at the present time makes no difference,,,the trust is out the window. Mr. Man you are not the victim…Own up to it and just keep letting her know how much you love her….

  3. sensitive says:

    i am planning to end this relationship w/ my partner. i am sensitive and he is so damned insensitive!

  4. lost says:

    I have found out that my wife has or is about to cheat on me. I still love her but I just can’t face what she is doing to me anymore. I guess love just ins’t enough

  5. leaving says:

    re:mekia – just because she thinks you are cheating or are capable of it doesn’t mean you’ve done it in the past. For years my wife thought I was going to leave her for a girl I work with…

    Now I have had enough of my wife for many reasons and am leaving her in June, but not for another woman. I have no current desire to meet anyone else, I just need to move on with my life (but I really doubt she will see it that way). And I still work with that same girl, would never have done anything with her because we have a work relationship, and she is now getting married this summer. I hope things turn out better for her than they did for me.

    I thought about this for a very long time. For years, just brief thoughts, then it turned to a daily weight on my shoulders. After finally making the choice to leave, I felt better than I’ve felt for many years. Almost 14 years of marriage and 3 kids, a home I worked hard for… and now it is over. It is a scary and exciting thing. I would not suggest that this is something you can take lightly. As I said, this has been years in the making. And yes, we have discussed the things that have destroyed our relationship, and with promises of change came nothing but disappointment. I’ve been dragged along in her apathetic existence for too many years. This is my year!

    -J

  6. leaving says:

    -oh yeah, and I’ve never even thought of cheating for the entire time I have been with my wife, no matter how crummy things were

  7. Confussed beyond all reason says:

    Well today I decided to take our seeing in my own hands. I wrote a nice letter and finished it author second thought. I know this i’s the only way for him to move on. Me as well. He didn’t have much to say except for thats ok. I love him, but know that I have been driving? Crazy with my jealous questions and my crazy thinning. How he listed so long i’s beyond me. I dont know this person I have become. I dont like this person and hope I never see this person ever again. I do wish the best. I hope I wasnt wrong. Ill never know even if I was. sad. Time heals.

  8. confused and hurting says:

    This article made me realize a lot of things in my relationship by saying “my” it is because i have been in a 6 yr. relationship w/ a man. Lived w/ him for almost 4 years now and still i can’t feel the assurance that he will at some point marry me. I loved him so much but because of this love i don’t feel respected by him anymore. I admit it he is immature his gonna be 23 by June and he still doesn’t have a job. I know for sure his family is rich but how about us if we’re gonna start on our own we can’t just depend on them. I don’t know what to feel or do anymore. Sometimes i just wanna end this and walk out from his life.

  9. Melissa says:

    it’s been 3 years 7 months my boyfriend and i have been together, i proposed to him and we were engaged for 2 and 1/2 years when it broke off and went back to normal boyfriend and girlfriend type relationship. his mther hates me and does everything in here power to keep him away. he is 33yrs old and still lives at home, always claming that renting is a waste of money. he doesn’t want to get back engaged saying that his finances are not in order but i mean for how long are you going to use that excuse. he always askes me for my time… years to waith before he even gets the courage to leave home. i love him and give into everything as i feel responsible for his family building a wedge between us. i feel used that he takes all he wants yet never gives into anything i want. i am 28years old and i want kids, i already have complications and thinks staying with him i may lose the chance at a family, having my own. i tried many times to leave but failed. any advice? i am at the end of my rope!

  10. Cristina says:

    I’ve been in the relatioship for 8 years. We have two kids and have the sole responsibility for the kids. My partner works a state away from us. I asked him to work near us so the children will grow on a normal environment with two parents. He always refuse and gives me a lot of reason and asked to gvie him more time.. I waited long enough and I cant force myself to wait again…
    It’s same as we dont have him anyway…
    But you’re right. It’s hard to move on by yourself and start all over again…

  11. gracia says:

    I don’t know if i will stay in this relationship. we’re almost one year and i haven’t meet his parents. I don’t know if he has plans to introduce me to his parents and family, his seems so attached to my family but me i don’t have any clues what his family looks like. It seems that he always want his way, i want to get married because im not getting any younger im in my past 30′s but he is 7 years younger than me. He seems so attached to his career he just recently got his promotion. We’re planning to have a civil wedding this December i’ve told myself that if the plans doesnt come into reality, i will end this relationship. He has also plans of buying a car, i dont know if he’s really serious of marrying me.

    What is the best way to do? Will i stay?

  12. caroline says:

    Hi I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship. I love him with all my heart, but he changed.When i first met him 5 years ago he was kind,funny, thoughtful and sweet, but now he is just insulting and hard hearted. i dont know whether or not leave cos his father just passed away 4 months ago, so maybe part of his behaviour is just grief. when i try to talk to he just says he doesn’t like me. When he is drinking which is only twice a week, he calls me names and insults I cant do nothing right. He says he is only with me because of our 2 children and that I am ugly and that he doesn’t fancy me. he wont ever kiss me. I have to practical beg him to have sex with me, he says he is too tired. I know what an excuse. I have no family cos they disowned because of him.I just feel soo alone. please help.

  13. Debra Brown, says:

    Caroline, in your heart of hearts you already have the answer but you are looking for validation that will not come. You cannot help who you love but you can control how you love them.. Anyone who is insulting and cold and hard hearted has deep seated issues that even you will not be able to break through to. The excuse about his father is just that–an excuse to proilong the time that you are there with him. You have to first love you and value yourself and stop taking the insults..If he is insulting you, chances are he is being real about his feelings…Move on. You are both sending the wrong message to your children, first, he is teaching them how to be disrespectful and your are teaching them that it is okay to be talked down to and to be insulted. Do not beg anyone to love you or to be physical with you. It iis time you learn how to love and romance yourself. Get out of this deadend relationship and find yourself. Take yourself to lunch and spend time learning who you are and what you are most deserving of. Treat yourself like you want him to treat you and you, my dear will never take the short end of the stick again. Try to make amends with your family for you only get the luxury of having one. They saw a long time ago what you are experiencing RIGHT NOW. This is wisdom for their years. Let them know that you have changed and matured and are ready to have them back in your life, but make sure that he is a thing of your past…forever. Good luck with your bright future…Happiness awaits you…Go out there and have yourself a piece of it.

  14. Debra Brown, says:

    Christina, eight years is a very long time to be waiting for him to decide if he wants to be part of this relationship and the kids lives or not. Sounds like he has moved on. He may not have said it but as the old saying goes “actions speaks louder than words”. It is hard to raise children on your own but you can do it.
    Seek support for the kids and give them the most normal and stable home that you can provide. Most of all let the know that you love them unconditionally. In time you will be ready to move on. Take your time.

  15. Debra Brown, says:

    Melissa…I think it is a sweet and liberated move to propose to your man. It shows him that he is important in your life just as you should be in his life. There are very bad and negative signs all around that will tell you that this is a bad fit for you. Any man who lets his family disrespect you in the beginning during the courtship will not speak up for you during the marriage. He has to learn to let go of the apron strings and that, even at his age, has not happened. You soundl like a mature young lady who knows what she wants out of life but you have become side tracked in this relationship. Figure out what you need. Find a person who is moving in your directions, someone who wantts the same things out of life and move aheard. No looking back for your…Just higher ground ahead…Good luck..

  16. Debra Brown, says:

    Confussed beyond all reason, you did the right thing to end this madness. You MUST figure you out. Find out what makes you happy, Get some help with the jealousy issue. Jealousy kills a relationship. It sounds though that there are also some trust issues. Has he given you reason not to trust him? Sometimes it is best not to ask questions unless we know we are asking the correct question in a manner that is not or will not become defensive to your mate. You have to love you before you can learn to love another. His feeling must have been mutual, but the basis for the relationship was very rocky…Time does heal all wounds.

  17. Debra Brown, says:

    Confused and Hurting: The legal definition of marriage is a regonized relationship between two people who have mutually agreed to live their lives together as sexual and domestic partners. You have already created the atmosphere of marriage without a real committment. There is no reason for him to give up what he has to be tied and bound. He has the best of both worlds. We go to work and earn a paycheck..money because we were not born rich. He on the other had has the “money”. No real need for him to work a meanial job. He needs to get whatever inheritance he has coming and make wise business investments that will ensure a great future for himself and his family. Age 23 is a great age to become a CEO/CFO of his company. He can further his education. Encourage him in that way. It could prove promising for you. He chose you so be very confident in that. Be the woman that he needs right now and supportive in anyway that you can. He will come to respect you more if you stand up and take a stand. Be assertive when it is time and very pleasant all of the other times. Let him see you are 3rd dimensional. Make all the right moves right now and you will not regret it later…Mrs.

  18. jay wulff says:

    Ok… 99% of most people posting on this thread are looking for one type of emotional crutch or another… I myself have unfortunately recently ended a relationship which was seriously counter productive… I loved the girl with all my heart but came to the realisation that she could never reciprocate my feelings (I’d apologise for any bad English… but I AM English but very drunk on rum right now (redundant issue I know)) she was/is 8.5 years younger than myself with 2 kids (which I loved as my own) and due to self confidence issues she could never and would never trust me… it really hurts me that things had to end the way they did (over text) but I could not see any way forward… in the end it cones down to what you yourself really want for yourself and/or your kids… all that is really required is for you to be honest with yourselves… I am 100% sure that my views will not be universally promoted or even accepted… and u am expecting a lot of backlash…. but I will remind all parties that I am very drunk as I write this… and I feel as though I’ve gone off on a tangent… and have most likely forgotten the point I was trying to make… all I can really say us that a lot of the time love just isn’t enough and it takes a lot od strength to realise this…

  19. heartofgold says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriends for about 4.5 years, and now we are very close to think about our future. However, the thought of marrying him really scare me. I used to believe in having simple happiness, marry and have kids with him, but recently that thought have changed. My little dream crash! With him I felt like I’ve been abuse emotionally. it’s so difficult to tell him about my problems/feelings bc i’m still not comfortable sharing it with him. it’s just so weird. I can share it with my friends, with a guy i just met but Not my 4.5 years bf! I want to end the relationship but i’m really scare of the aftermath. My parent and his parent know each other, they talked to each other about our future. He even move out of state with me to live with my parents and work for the future…but I just can’t see the spark in us anymore. Everyone I know say that we are meant to be and he truely love me so much. The problem is I can’t feel it or see it! i honestly don’t know what to do! Please help me!

  20. speak my mind says:

    To heartofgold, and all others in this same problem, just because your boyfriend’s family and friends think you were made for each other doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. They have no idea of what goes on behind closed doors nor they know how you exactly feel with that person. To make it short, just go with what you feel and not what others feel. Do what’s best for you and what others THINK is best for YOU. If YOU feel the need to get out of this relationship because of whatever reason, don’t keep wasting your years in misery. Lots of Blessings my dear.

  21. speak my mind says:

    correction: To heartofgold, and all others

    Do what’s best for you and not what others THINK is best for YOU.

  22. Taylor says:

    I need help. The guy i’ve been dating for 3 years now has been keeping what i believe to be a big secret from me for quite some time now. This may sound stupid but 2 1/2 years ago we agreed not to have facebook accounts aim all tht stupid stuff that just ruins relationships. I find out just yesterday he’s had one sense last year, he was talking to his x last week leading her on talking about how he misses her and to come out and see him etc…the list goes on, and i see all these pics of girls up and him messaging them, I couldn’t believe my eyes because, we are always so good together. he did own up to it when i confronted him but I feel so hurt and betrayed. I’m so sad and I hate to let him go but i feel like i lost love for him. I feel like i just don’t know if I will ever be able to get past this. Maybe he likes the attention but theirs no reason to keep this hidden for over a year and ahhh idk I’m going crazy. someone please help me.

  23. Kellie says:

    I have been in a relationship with a women for 3 1/2 years now. In the beginning it was all fun and exciting. It was new and we were learning each other. Not to long afterwards, approximately a year, I noticed that there is no passion involved in the relationship. In my mind passion, sex, is a primary attribute to a healthy relationship. If you don’t feel sexual attracted to the person you are with doesn’t it become just a friendship? I have been so confused for so long hoping that this “passion” would suddenly appear, But it hasn’t things are still the same. We come home from work everyday and sit on the couch in silence, have dinner and go to bed. It’s redundant and I’m to the breaking point because the relationship has become that boring. Three days ago I realized we have nothing in common. She, to me, seems lazy, boring and bitchy. The little things become big deals which lead I her yelling and being upset looking for me to say sorry when I had done nothing to promote these feelings. With that the threats and ultamatums come into play. Out bank account is joint, she is on my health insurance, the apartment is in her name as well as both cars, the cell phones in her name etc. so when you feels the unnecessary need to threaten my lively-hood by saying ” ill take the car and put your things out side. You won’t have a place to live or a car. ” this is what happens almost every one she’s upset. WE both created our home and our life and we both purchased the things we own together. But in an instant she holds the little things over my head like she has control. I could continue on, but my main point here is that it’s a sexless, boring relationship that always end with threats because that’s obviously all she has. Im completely done. I told her I didn’t love her anymore last night and she broke down changed her whole attitude and starts begging me to try to make this work. I don’t think there’s anything worth trying for honestly. But she keeps trying making me feel bad for my decision to stop the madness. If I try to try again the odds are strongly for the outcome being the same as they are now. What should I do? How do I handle this? I felt amazing this morning when I woke up knowing I finally told her I was done. Then she shows up to my work with coffee acting all sweet and frowning. She wants to do dinner tonight and kisses me. I didn’t want to kiss her but she looked so sad. I’m lost…

  24. lost says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I feel like I want to move on. I’m not sure if I’ve ever really been happy. We have a 3 year old little girl. I got with him soon after losing my husband in an accident. Now I’m thinking I was just hurting & wanted someone to love me again. He used to seem like he loved my unconditional now when we argue its different. I feel he’s just here because he can’t afford to live on his own. I do care for him but I’m not sure if he’s who I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is also sooo much drama with his ex its exhausting. And he never stands up to her. That really makes me mad bc he’s quick to tell me off when he’s mad. I just want a relationship filled with true love not one like this. My question here is should I stay for the kids to keep them together. Or follow my heart & leave. I feel sefish for ending it. Like Im choosing my happiness over my kids.

  25. MissUnhappy says:

    Hello, where do I start..I am 30 and miserable. I have been dating a man for a year, he is still married to his ex, and has several children, he by the way is 35 and has no goals in life or no get up and go, so needless to say i am supporting him in every way possible, i have been quite patient and it has fianlly ran out. I know in my heart this is no longer what I want, i am a single mother of 2 kids, and I work a fulltime job, have my life together and know what I want in my future or life to come. I feel helpless, I want to just shout get out, The sight of him makes me cringe sometimes or just the smell of his breath, I am sorry..I am just trying to get all this off my chest. I am completely miserable…I have never had a chance to be alone, just the kids and I. I am ready for that, but how can I say goodbye without hurting him, thats the other problem I put his and everyone else’s feeling before i put mine. I feel stuck and I feel like this will never get better for me, I attract men who are needy and I always work pay all the bills, I ask myself why do I do this, I say i am going to change but i never do. What can i do to get myself thorugh this? HElp..GA

  26. maria says:

    i am right now having an affair with a married guy. I am trying my best to forget him but it cause me so much pain. I know that nothing will happened to this stupid relationship. I can see that there is no progress and all we do everytime we see each other is making love . please anybody advice me to fight against this relationship, Breaking with him is an agony to my part.

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