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Posts Tagged ‘fight’

We have heard the saying many times that, 'It's easier to forgive than to forget,' but the truth is that unless you are capable of forgetting you never really forgive.  Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for their offense but unless you are also willing to forget their transgression you aren't truly forgiving them.  Refusing to forget a wrong action against you results in a lingering grudge between you and the other person.  Although you may have told them that you have forgiven them, the memory of their actions remains with you and creates a prejudice towards them that results in a lack of trust in the future.  True forgiveness involves both forgiving and forgetting and this can be achieved by understanding your own feelings as well as those of the person who wronged you, expressing your feelings in a rational matter, realizing that your relationship is more important than being right and finally accepting your partner's apology.

You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings of anger may be completely justified but it's important to truly understand your feelings in order to forgive and forget.  It is imperative that you realize that the actions of the other person may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting in a hostile manner as a result of these feelings is not beneficial to your relationship.  While your feelings of hurt of anger may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions before offering forgiveness will help you to forget your partner's words or actions.  If you rush to offer forgiveness before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will be difficult for you to forget your partner's wrongdoing.  You also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended you.  It is also important to speak to your partner about why they committed the offense against you.  It is not fair to them to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did.  Giving them the chance to express their side of the situation will give you a better understand of why they acted the way they did.  You may learn that everything was a misunderstanding or that you were not hurt intentionally.  Allowing the other person a chance to offer their take on the situation will enable you to see their motives.  Understanding your own emotions as well as your partner's will help you to really forgive and forget.

Dealing with your own emotions in a calm and rational manner is also crucial to forgiving and forgetting.  Your partner may be wrong and you may be completely justified in your feelings of anger but it's important that you not act strictly on emotion in this situation.  Acting and speaking out of anger can elevate the tension in the situation and deter the forgiveness process.  Give yourself a little time to manage your own feelings and collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner you are able to speak about your feelings in a rational manner.  It's best to wait until both you and your partner are ready to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner.  If you are truly interested in forgiving and forgetting when you have been wronged, wait until both parties have calmed down to ensure that neither one speaks out of anger and destroys the chance for true forgiveness.

A crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your relationship more than you value being right in an argument.  While you may be completely right in a situation, being right is not worth destroying the relationship over.  If you are able to put your love for your partner ahead of the vindication of being right you will be more willing to forgive and forget.  Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship to continue to flourish because working through conflicts makes a relationship stronger.

Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you are truly willing to accept your partner's apology.  Harboring feelings that the apology isn't genuine will damage the relationship because you will never forget their offending action.  Listen sincerely to your partner's apology and have faith in them that there apology is heartfelt and genuine.  Then let them know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let this situation interfere with your future interactions.

True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression but also effectively forgetting it as well.  You can not truly forgive someone if you don't also agree to forget the offense.  Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner to not repeat the offense.  While deciding to forgive and forget is a personal matter a few suggestions for doing so are to understand your feelings as well as the feelings of your partner, taking the time to rationalize your emotions before you act on them, valuing your relationship enough to truly forgive and accepting  your partner's apology with an open heart.

In any relationship worth having conflict is bound to arise.  The true test of the relationship is whether or not you feel that it is worthwhile to resolve these conflicts and if you are able to do so in a fair and objective way.  Key elements to fighting fairly include sticking to the issue at hand, being open to listening to the other person, not involving others in the fight, not bringing up old issues and finally being willing to accept responsibility and let it go when the fight is over.

It's important to know what you are fighting over and to stick to that issue in the argument.  If you allow things to build up over time and then explode with many grievances at once neither you nor the person you are fighting with will have a clear understanding of what the issue is or why you are fighting.  It is important to address each issue as they arise to alleviate resentment and fighting that does not have a clear focus.  Sticking to one specific issue in a fight is the fair way to fight and it's also the most successful way to fight.  If both parties involved have a clear understanding of why they are fighting you are much more likely to reach a mutually amicable resolution.

Listening is a very important component of fighting fairly.  It is imperative to allow the other person to offer their side of the argument.  Fighting without listening will not be effective because it does not allow you to be open to the other person's opinions and justifications.  The other person may have a very valid reason for their actions but if you are only interested in what you have to say and are unwilling to listen you will not hear their point of view.  Another aspect of listening is to really understand what the other person is saying.  It's very easy to not hear the intent of a person's message.  In a fight you want to actively clarify the other person's statements and give them the opportunity to affirm or negate your interpretation of their argument.  Listening attentively and understanding the other person's argument is a very effective and fair way to fight.

Bringing others into a fight is not a fair way to fight.  It is important that the fight take place between those directly involved and that neither party elicits the help of friends or family members to validate their position.  It doesn't matter how many other people agree with you, that does not necessarily make you right, so don't involve others in your fight.  This is not only not fair to your partner but it is also not fair to those who are dragged into the argument.  While you may have many people who agree with you and believe you are right, bringing them into the fight just isn't fair and also isn't effective.

In a fair fight it is also important to not bring up old issues.  A fair fight will remain focused and bringing up the past distracts from the current issues and also sends the message that the past has not been forgotten.  If you partner feels that you are bringing up old issues, he may begin to feel as if the current fight is not worth fighting because it will not be forgotten.  If you convey the message that you are not willing to forgive and forget you are not fighting fairly because your partner will feel as though the argument is no longer worthwhile.  Also, bringing up old issues is not fair because they are not relevant to the current fight.  A fair fight is clearly focused on a current conflict without dredging up old issues.

Another key tactic for fighting fairly is to be willing to accept responsibilities for your own actions and be willing to reach a resolution and move on from the argument.  Those who fight fairly are prepared to concede the fact that they may lose the argument.  Losing the argument means either that you admit that you were solely to blame in the situation or that you are unable to convince the other person of your argument.  What is important in a fair fight is not who is right or who is wrong but that the couple is able to reach an amicable agreement and that they are both able to progress and leave the fight in the past.

Fighting fairly is crucial in a healthy relationship.  Disagreements are natural and resolving them in a fair way is imperative to a thriving relationship.  Not fighting fairly is indicative of a relationship that is not healthy.  A fair fight however incorporates the key elements of focus, listening and resolution without involving third parties in the fight.  A fair fight is also left in the past after resolution.  Fair fighting leads to resolution in most cases.