Active Relationship

Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

Ok, you've found him.  It wasn't easy, it took a lot longer than you thought, but finally Mr. Right did emerge from the sea of male faces, and now there's an expensive rock sparkling on your finger.  After all that searching, you'd think it would be time to have some relaxation wouldn't you?  Just enjoy being with this man who adores you and who you want to spend the rest of your life?  Unfortunately, that's not quite going to happen just yet!

As soon as you announce the engagement, your life will never be the same again - unless you take control right from the very beginning.  That doesn't mean that you become some kind of bride-to-be-tyrant, although it's just possible that this might be called for at some point if people are having a hard time accepting that it's not them getting married, but rather it means that you take control of deciding what kind of wedding you and your partner want.  A wedding isn't an excuse for a family reunion.  It's your special day.  The day you want to remember for the rest of your life.  And you need to have people hear how you want it to be!

First of all, discuss it with your partner - before you mention it to anyone!  Preferably before you even tell anyone you're engaged!  Make sure you are both on the same page about the kind of wedding you're going to have.  If you want a small wedding with just a few people, make a list and when you announce the engagement to your parents and close friends, tell them it's to be a small intimate gathering only and this is who will be invited - no exceptions (or you could end up with a small crowd once you start the 'well if you invite x you must invite ?' game.  'if x doesn't come without y', fine, that's a spare place!  On the other hand, if you are both clear about a fantasy wedding with the horse drawn carriage, bouquet tossing, garter ripping, 7-tier wedding cake, then again - decide on how and where you want it to be.

If you're having bridesmaids, hotel venue, and flowers etc, get opinions about dresses, get opinions and reviews from people who've had their weddings at the places your interested in, and find out what flowers stay freshest the longest but you and your partner should decide the actual finer points of the wedding between you.  Don't leave it in someone else's hands, and don't be coaxed into having more than you really want, whether that's in numbers at the reception, or the kind of room decorations.

Financing a wedding can be one of life's most expensive luxuries.  Consider your budget when deciding what kind of wedding you want.  If you have an offer to have it paid for by one set of parents, or the other - or both - check that no strings attached come to that offer as regards how the wedding will be.  Be sensitive to the feelings of anyone trying to be more 'helpful' than you'd like, but be honest about how you feel too.  It's your day - and if you and your partner want to be married barefoot on a Californian beach, or in the largest Cathedral in the State, then you need to get people to accept that that's how it's going to be - local laws and finances notwithstanding!

Moms are usually the most helpful and yet worst at trying to take over the arrangements.  If you're happy with this, that's fine.  If not, have a quiet word with your mom when you first notice it rather than leave it and let the resentment fester until you take out the wedding stress on her two days before the wedding.  She's only trying to help - it may not be the help you want, or need, but she thinks she's doing what's best.  Be diplomatic with her, and anyone else who seems to be taking charge.  Explain that you've got it all under control (if you haven't then you need to make sure you have a plan for that before getting the people doing the organizing to down tools!) and you'd really like to do this yourself.

Make your wedding memorable for the beautiful day you've always dreamed it would be.  Decide on the kind of wedding you and your partner want, and then make sure that you make it happen.  Don't turn it into a family event that everyone remembers because for the 3 months leading up to it, the bride turned into a dictating monster who upset everyone in sight before she walked down the aisle!  Instead let anything go that doesn't directly interfere with the wedding itself, so what if the flowers baskets are the wrong shape if they look good, there are surfers on the beach where you're having the ceremony, great aunt Milly dyed her hair purple, and the hotel double booked you and moved your champagne to a different ballroom, etc.  Remember, as long as you've done your best to arrange the wedding you and your partner want, and you're married at the end of the day, everything else will work out just fine.  Just stay calm, say 'I do', and smile for the photographer!

Roughly 50% of all marriages fail and many of those don't even make it past the first year.  Understanding why these marriages fail can be key to ensuring that your own marriage does not fail.  Some factors that contribute to the failure of a marriage include a lack of communication or poor communication, financial issues and even the circumstances of the marriage.  All of these issues can exist in a healthy and enduring marriage but if they are not dealt with properly they can lead to the failure of the marriage.

Communication is critical to the success of a marriage.  Without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue.  If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems will become insurmountable.  Communication allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes and desires with each other.  Without sharing in this way a couple will not grow as close together as possible.  Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their arguments.  If one or both partners lack effective communications skills it becomes difficult to resolve arguments because the couple is not able to understand each other's points of view.  If the marriage is already in trouble, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or salvage their marriage.  The absence of effective communication techniques can lead to the failure of a marriage.

Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isn't enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns.  While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage the tension that financial concerns create is often the culprit in a failed marriage.  Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship.  This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.  If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other aspects of the marriage.  This neglectful behavior has the affect of making the spouse feel ignored and lonely which can be damaging to a marriage.  Often one of the partners will become consumed with the financial affairs and this can be very damaging to a marriage.

Even the circumstances surrounding the marriage can lead to its failure.  A marriage of convenience is often not a healthy marriage.  When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fair.  Some examples of marriage circumstances that often lead to failure are getting married because there is a baby on the way or because the couple is feeling pressure to get married by friends and family members.  Neither of these reasons are truly valid reasons for marriage and often leads to divorce.  When a couple marries for reasons other than true love the marriage is often doomed before it starts.  Marrying too young is another reason why many marriages fail.  While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married.  Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of life's experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage and can be the cause of failure of the marriage.

Another reason why many marriages fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage.  Today it is common for couples to live together and have children without being married.  This degeneration of society devalues marriage and results in a higher percentage of failed marriages.  With so little value placed on marriage in today's society, couples are not committed to making their marriage work and are often quick to give up on the marriage and each other.

Many marriages today are doomed before they even start.  Marriage is no longer seen as a necessary step in a relationship so many couples are quick to divorce without making an honest effort to resolve their problems.  Communication breakdown, financial difficulties as well as circumstances of the marriage are all problems that can cause many marriages to fail.

Admitting you need the assistance of a marriage counselor is the first step to salvaging your troubled marriage.  Once you and your partner have acknowledged your need for professional help, the two of you will need to choose a counselor together.  Choosing a marriage counselor is a very personal thing.  The right counselor for you and your spouse is the one that you both feel comfortable with and have confidence in their ability to help you resolve your problems.  You may find counselors who come highly recommended and who have helped friends and family members of yours but unless you have faith in the counselor they won't be able to help you.  Choosing a marriage counselor may be hindered by the fact that your marital relationship is already troubled but it's important that you work together to choose the right marriage counselor if you are serious about saving your relationship.

Seeking recommendations from trusted friends and family members who have employed the use of a marriage counselor is a good place to start your search.  You can take the opportunity to ask your friends and relatives what they liked and didn't like about the counselor who helped them and use this information to determine whether or not you have any interest in having a consultation with their recommended counselor.  In speaking to your friend or relative try to ask questions that elicit specific responses about the marriage counselor's demeanor and techniques without asking your trusted source to divulge any sensitive details about their counseling sessions.  You need to understand that worked for others may not help your marriage but having a few trusted persons make recommendations is a good place to begin your search.

Next, utilize the Internet to research marriage counselors in your area.  Look for counselors who have web pages that describe their education, life experience and techniques for conflict resolution.  This type of information is useful for deciding before you even meet them if you think they can help you.  If there is anything about their website that bothers you, trust your instincts and cross them off your list of potential marriage counselors.  Trusting your marriage counselor is extremely important so if there is anything that bothers you right away, then they aren't the right counselor for you because you will go into the sessions feeling guarded which will hinder your progress.

In a relationship that is already troubled, it might be worthwhile to do the preliminary research on available marriage counselors separately.  This will allow the two of you to decide what you are looking for in a marriage counselor without further complicating any pre-existing issues in your marriage.  Seek recommendations from friends and family members and do your Internet research separately.  Once you have both compiled a list of potential counselors compare your lists and agree to interview those that overlap on your lists.  If you do not have any overlap, agree to each choose two candidates and meet with these four marriage counselors in the next step of the process.

Once you have selected a few potential marriage counselors, it is time to set up initial consultations with each of them.  These consultations will give you the opportunity to meet with each counselor to get to know them a little better and learn about their conflict resolution strategies.  It is also a chance to determine how comfortable you feel around this counselor and whether you will be able to open up to him or her and express your true feelings.  This is also your opportunity to decide whether or not you truly have faith that this marriage counselor is the one that can save your marriage.  Prepare for these sessions ahead of time by coming up with a list of questions that will help you to obtain a better understanding of the counselor and their methods.  In coming up with these questions, either work together with your spouse to develop a list of questions or encourage your spouse to do so on their own so that you are both prepared for the initial consultation.  As with your Internet research if there is something you just don't trust about one of the marriage counselors in your initial consultations then trust your gut and eliminate them from your list.  An initial consultation is an excellent way to get all your questions about the marriage counselor answered and to become acquainted with the counselor on a personal level.  Your initial consultation with a marriage counselor is probably the most important step in determining if they are right for you and your spouse so take this step very seriously.

Once you and your counselor have met with all of the marriage counselors on your proposed list, it is time to make your decision.  Hopefully, the two of you will agree on a counselor and will be able to begin your sessions immediately but if you can't reach an agreement try another method to determining which counselor to choose.  You could try a method such as having each partner rank the candidates from 1-4 in order of preference and then agree to choose the counselor who receives the lowest combined score.  While this method may sound silly, it is important to remember that you are going to counseling because there is a problem in your marriage and further aggregating the problem by arguing over a marriage counselor may lead to one of the partners deciding that counseling isn't worth it and giving up on the relationship.

Choosing a marriage counselor can be a difficult and stressful process but it's imperative to remember that this is an extremely important decision that deserves your utmost attention.  Choosing the right marriage counselor is critical to the success of the counseling sessions.  An already troubled marriage can be further weakened by the process of choosing a marriage counselor so you and your partner should exercise caution not to allow yourselves to argue over this process.  The right marriage counselor will be able to salvage your relationship as long as you and your spouse are committed to using the counseling to solve your problems.

Having a happy marriage doesn't necessarily come easily just because you love each other.  While love is very important in a marriage sometimes it just isn't enough and you have to work at your marriage just like any other relationship.  Open communication and careful consideration of each others feelings are two of the emotional aspects that are key to a happy marriage.  Even more mundane details such a household responsibilities and financial understanding can factor into the state of the marriage.  It is imperative to understand that a marriage is a multi-faceted relationship that needs to be nurtured in all of its capacities in order to be successful.

Being willing to make sacrifices is one secret to a happy marriage.  Both partners in the marriage must be prepared to put their partner's happiness ahead of their own from time to time for the marriage to truly work.  If either partner is completely self centered and unwilling to make sacrifices it will create resentment in the marriage.  At times the sacrifices may be big but most often it's the smaller things that matter most.  Even preparing a dish that you don't like but that you know your spouse likes lets your partner know that you care and are willing to put their happiness first at times.

While making sacrifices is important in a happy marriage, it is also important to sometimes do things that are just for you.  It's great to have a lot of common interests but it's also essential to have some things that you enjoy doing on your own.  Having some separate activities gives you a little time away from your partner once in awhile and gives you a chance realize how much you miss them when you are apart.  It also gives you an opportunity to explore things on your own and prevents boredom in the relationship.

Another secret to a happy marriage is to maintain an intimate and affectionate relationship.  Sharing physical closeness will keep your marriage happy.  Even small gestures such as hugs or holding hands give you the opportunity to reconnect with your spouse on a daily basis.

Finances can cause a great deal of stress in a marriage so it is important to do your best to ensure that you do not allow your financial situation to destroy your marriage.  When financial concerns arise it is important to discuss the problems so that both partners are aware of what is going on and to work on establishing a budget together.  Working together on this issue will make sure that neither partner feels left out of the decision making process and neither partner bears the stress of worrying about finances on their own.

Sharing household responsibilities is another secret to a happy marriage.  If either partner feels as though they are taking on too much responsibility in the household it can lead to resentment.  Not only does sharing these responsibilities prevent resentment but it also gives the couple an opportunity to work as a team which strengthens their bond.  Both partners need to take an active role in completing household chores and let their partner know if they are beginning to feel overburdened.

Open and honest communication is also necessary for a happy marriage.  Without communication the relationship will continually struggle.  It's important to be honest with your partner and share your concern and to listen to what your partner has to say and make an effort to understand their point of view.  Communicating about problems and concerns is important but it's also important to communicate about your aspirations and even your daily lives.  All of these types of communication bring a couple closer together and foster a happy marriage.

Along the lines of open communication, it's also important that you let your partner know if they have said or done some thing to hurt you.  Failure to do so will allow the problem to continue to cause problems in the marriage.  If you bottle up your feelings your partner will be unaware of what they have done to hurt you and may be likely to repeat their actions.  You also may begin to avoid your partner because you are angry and you don't want to start a confrontation.  Your partner in turn may sense you behaving differently and be annoyed by your behavior.  Simply coming out and telling your partner why you are upset can help you avoid this unnecessary host of problems.

Understanding that you and your partner won't always be in complete agreement is also critical to a happy marriage.  While you may agree on a lot of things it's unrealistic to believe that you and your partner will be in sync at all times.  Its okay to disagree sometimes as long as you respect each other's feelings and beliefs and do not think that any one disagreement will be the end of the relationship.

Spontaneity is also an important part of a happy marriage.  Allowing yourselves to fall into a predictable pattern can lead to boredom but being spontaneous at times will prevent boredom from setting in and keep the relationship interesting.

Finally, remembering why you married your spouse is one of the most important secrets of a happy marriage.  Always remembering what it is about your partner that drew you to them will make certain that you never forget your love for your partner.  It will also ensure that they are always beautiful in your eyes.  Many things may change throughout the course of your marriage but the one thing that will always remain is the reason you fell in love in the first place.

A happy marriage is not guaranteed no matter how much the partners love each other.  There are so many variables that can have an affect on the happiness and success of the marriage.  It is important that both partners realize that they must continuously work on all of these aspects if they want their marriage to remain a happy and healthy relationship.

Marital harmony can be achieved in a variety of ways.  Sometimes it is the little things that maintain the peace in a relationship and sometimes it is more monumental decisions that can either harm or help the harmony in the household.  While agreement is not always possible, it is important for the couple to realize that even during arguments it's possible to maintain harmony.  As long as you understand that disagreements are only temporary the harmony in your marriage will remain throughout all types of trials and tribulations.

Being aware of your partner's likes and dislikes is one way to achieve marital harmony.  This awareness allows you to operate in a way that keeps your partner's preferences in mind.  If you know what your partner likes and doesn't like you can take precautions to not engage in an activity that will hurt your partner.  Additionally, your partner will respect your consideration of their feelings.  This consideration is necessary for those who wish to achieve marital harmony.

Sharing in the decision making process is also critical to achieving marital harmony.  This is important for a couple of reasons.  First it gives the couple the opportunity to work together to make a decision and second it helps to make them both feel involved in the process.  Also, if one person takes the responsibility of making decisions without consulting their partner it can lead to resentment especially if the decision turns out to be a bad one.

Another secret to achieving marital harmony is to work to balance your career and home life.  It is easy to get caught up in your job responsibilities and to begin to allow your job to take precedence in your relationship but working hard to ensure this doesn't happen will be beneficial to your marriage.  It's important to realize that no job is more important than your relationship.  There may be times that you need to work late or on weekends but try to keep these instances to a minimum.  Also, strive to not bring home your work, either physically or mentally, and allow it to encroach on your marriage.  It's acceptable to share information about your day and vent about any problems you may have had for a little while but going on and on about your job will cause problems in your marriage.

Any marriage is bound to have its problems and disagreements but it's important to not let that problem linger.  When disagreements arise, try working out an amicable agreement but when this is not possible sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and move on with your marriage.  Remember that each morning is a new day and strive to wake up having forgotten any arguments you may have had with your spouse on the previous day.  If you made your best effort to resolve the problem and were unable to reach a resolution, just let it go and start the new day out harmoniously.

Agreeing on financial matters is also key to achieving marital harmony.  Money is one of the issues that creates the most arguments in a marriage.  If both partners are aware of their current financial situation and are willing to work together to establish a budget and stick to it, you will avoid discontent related to financial matters in the marriage.

Perhaps an important secret to achieving marital harmony that is often overlooked is knowing your partner very well and discussing major issues before getting married.  For example if you have always wanted children, it's best to find out your partners view on children before getting married.  Differences of opinion in an area such as this can doom a marriage.  However, if you make sure you marry someone who agrees with you about these critical issues you will avoid having problems arise later in the marriage as these subjects come up.

Keeping politics and other sensitive issues out of your marriage is also important to maintaining harmony.  It's acceptable to have opposing viewpoints on issues and debate your beliefs but allowing these issues to create a major rift it your marriage is not acceptable.  Two people can exist harmoniously in a marriage while holding opposing viewpoints as long as they respect each other's opinions.

Allowing each other some time to be alone can also help you achieve marital harmony.  It's important to spend time together and share interests but sometimes too much time together can be stifling.  It is important for each partner to have interests or hobbies that they participate in without their spouse.  This time away from each other helps to maintain harmony by giving each partner a sense of individuality.

Being respectful of your spouse is also very important to achieving marital harmony.  Couples that treat themselves and each other with respect are able to maintain a sense of civility and accord even during disagreements.  This feeling of respect will help the couple to remain harmonious even in the most trying situations.

One last secret to achieving marital harmony is to share household chores.  A couple that divides up the responsibilities in the household and strives to help each other out whenever possible will have an easy time maintaining harmony.  Failure to do this, however, can be very damaging to a relationship.  If you have to go as far as drawing up a list of chores and who is responsible for them, go ahead and do that.  A written document illustrating who does what around the house will make it clear if one person is overburdened.

It is important to not confuse harmony with agreement.  Couples do not have to agree on every issue in order to have a sense of marital harmony.  There are many factors that contribute to whether or not a marriage is harmonious.  Some factors may be bigger than others, but they are all equally important in achieving marital harmony.